you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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