if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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