and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
