WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
