Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
