I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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