sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I wish there were birth control emojis
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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