He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
