Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
