i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
