I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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