its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
