do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
