I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
