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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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