I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
