i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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