even my farts smell like vagina
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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