She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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