i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
