I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
