I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
