I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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