dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
