Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
