so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
