the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
whose parrot is this?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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