mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
