Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
