i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
