Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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