first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
PANTIES FOUND
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