my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
