now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
