I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
do nipples grow back?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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