woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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