I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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