I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize