I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
