hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Apparently you make a good broom.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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