This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
