It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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