You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize