so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
