Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You are a genius and a whore.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize