matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Randomize
