tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
