This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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