i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
