3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
