Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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