I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Drake has all the answers
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
