Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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