in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
