So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize