Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
