He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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