I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
