Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
