Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
