I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
