I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
