I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
