guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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