Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
