mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
