I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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