i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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