I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
